ये हीरोइन तो देख, बडी कटीली है भेन्चोद...
He said while munching on my lone favourite paratha, referring to the intellectual figure gracing the newspaper with her seductive charms, willing to do sex scenes in movies; or perhaps, with the producer, to be politically incorrect.
पहले से देख रखी है, i replied with the absolute innocence of a kid.
एक बार.. ये मिल जाए बस…he said, clinching his teeth and grinding them with lust, doing poetic justice to her carnal desires on display.
मिल जाए तो क्या करेगा ?, I teased him…
वो सब करूंगा जो तू नहीं कर पायेगा …once again he forced me on the back-foot…
भेन्चोद बकचोदी में मत भिड लियो मेरे से कभी …ऐसे ऐसे जवाब दूंगा, के भेन्चोद हग देगा तू …I could see a sly grin on his face while he congratulated himself on brutally smashing an average in-swinger for a boundary.
I remained silent indicating my sensible disapproval to his cheap victory.
मस्तराम पढी है तूने ?, he asked, after contemplating his move for a moment or two.
हाँ पढी है l क्यों ?, I retorted, a hint of exasperation showing in my voice.
अबे पूछा ही तो है, प्यार से जवाब दे देगा तो घट थोड़े जाएगा तेरा , said he while nudging me, grinning ear to ear.
तूने तो पढी ही होगी, I asked him…
He replied with a philosophical grimace- पता नहीं क्यों… मुझे उसमे रस नहीं दिखता…वो नज़ाकत नहीं है उसमे…ऊपर से उसकी स्पेलिंग गडबड रहती है …
आधे से ज्यादा शब्दों की गाँड मार लेता है …He paused, awaiting a reply from me but I remained silent, for no reason.
Again he blurted, पढ़ेगा ?
क्या, मस्तराम?, I asked.
[To the uninitiated (read females and a majority belonging to yuppistan) who are oblivious of the famed author I'd like to introduce Mast Ram as a teen fiction writer who writes in hindi, and writes with such passion that most of his publications are bound to offend purists and females in different contexts. Purists, for the grammatical errors. And females, for his pronunciation of their erogenous zones erroneously. As for his writing style, you can ask any teenager. He will tell you the subtlest nuances of his writings. Or better still, go get a copy from a so called ‘cheap’ bookstall.]
He didn’t answer me. Instead, he reached for his pocket and took out few folded and partially crumpled pages of varying sizes, probably from few different magazines.
ये ले, पढ…मज़ा न आ जाए तो मेरा नाम फेर देना… पुलिसवाले से बडी मुश्किल से बचाए है …इनमे चित्र नहीं हैं न, इसलिए छोड़ दिए …वरना वापिस नहीं करता …साला ठरकी है भेन्चोद …
I took the pages and tried to figure out which magazine they were from.
मनोहर कहानियाँ, कच्ची कलियाँ , सरस सलिल – these were the few revered names that were etched on the top corner of the pages.
We hurriedly devoured the parathas as if we were two men on a mission running out on time.
ये तो सिम्पल कहानियाँ हैं, इसमे वो सब कहाँ होगा …
अबे पढ के तो देख… सबकुछ मिलेगा इसमे तुझे …
As a matter of fact, I too preferred erotica over porn and reckoned it as a virtue of the above average individuals.
Now, here i was beginning to think- if erotica was his porn what kind of fiction would be his erotica.
Out of sheer curiosity I asked him- और क्या क्या पढ़ता है तू …
HIM: पढ़ता होता तो जेबें नहीं काटता फिरता…वैसे कभी कभी कहानियाँ ज़रूर पढ लेता हूँ…
ME: अच्छा तेरी सबसे पसंदीदा कहानी कौन सी है…
HIM: यार पसंदीदा तो है लेकिन सुना नहीं पाऊंगा बडा वक्त गुज़र गया जब उसे पढ़ा था …
ME: मतलब …
HIM: मतलब, अभी अभी तो सुनाई थी तुझे, भूल गया ?…
I was totally nonplussed at what he was saying…
अबे ज्यादा मत सोच, भेजा उड़ जाएगा तेरा… he quoted.
Then he paused for a moment and said,
कक्षा आठ की किताब में एक कहानी होती थी – भेडें और भेडिये , हरिशंकर परसाई ने लिखी थी , मुझे अभी भी याद है
उस समय तो पढ़कर केवल हँसी आती थी , दिल खुश हो जाता था …
पर, अब उसका गहरा मतलब समझ में आता है…अब समझ में आता है कि दुनिया में केवल दो तरह के लोग हैं – एक तो भेडें, और दूसरे भेडिये … अगर सीधी तरह बोला जाए तो, मैं भेड़ और तू भेडिया …
I completely understood his sentiments and appreciated his intelligent point of view, although secretly, as the story ranked very high on my favorites list.
The situation was an opportune metaphor for the brilliant story. I was clearly richer than him, albeit by 15,000 rupees. And I was fatefully entitled to the worst imaginable repercussions of the story– The proverbial bhed turns into a ruthless bhediya and renders me penniless.
…to be continued…
Note: (भेडें और भेडिये is a brilliant political satire written by Hari Shankar Parsai where the भेडिये represent the political/ruling/rich class and the भेडें represent the aam / garib junta) If you’re keen on the story just google the title (in Devnagri).
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